Sunday, March 29, 2009

Repo! Shadowcast.

I just found out that Utah has a Repo! shadowcast and I requested a spot and am in! Our state is called The Scalpel SL,UTs [each state has a different "team name" relating to the movie somehow and yes, the term "scalpel slut" is used in the movie for those addicted to plastic surgery].

Some spots were taken and others already had a preset mold that I didn't want to adhere to, so I am a Zydrate addict. Zydrate is a blue, glowing drug taken through a gun for pain relief. Since this takes place in a future of organ failure, GeneCo uses the drug for anesthesia, but people are getting unnecessary parts-body makeovers, surgeries daily-new eyes, new faces, and therefore there are plenty of Zydrate addicts in the grottos and alleyways. Like the morphine and opium addicts of the 1800s.

Shadowcasts try to get a person for each character of the film, to have them be able to dress the part and by whatever means making more people aware of this film [and getting people who worked on it here for screenings, q & a sessions, signings, etc.]. There's a shadowcast for I don't-know-how-many-states, but a lot. And it's quite successful.

Here's a picture of some junkies around GraveRobber:

Bits of dyed hair, knee high boots, leather and lace and stripes and stained corsets. Combine some steampunk, some cybergoth, a little vinyl, and grunge it up for a vintage-meets-futuristic-goth-meets-the DI. I already have all of that, haha. Speaking of which, I need to get started on my black and brown vertically striped bloomers; I found a dress at the DI made of the perfect material so I didn't have to hunt it down at a fabric store.

Time to sleep, for tomorrow I deconstruct.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

I want to go outside.

I actually went out last night. Kudos to myself for changing my environment. I'm not used to being around that many people [and there weren't even ten of us]and interacting with them.
Scott suggested watching anime, but I don't watch anime. Apparently, Cairo doesn't either. So we were trying to think of other things to do and somehow we decided to feed the rest of Scott's birthday cake to ducks at a nearby park. But Scott insisted on waiting for some people, so we had to think of something to do. So Scott decided to waste a can of soda and throw it in the parking lot and see if it would explode. It was a sad little explosion, so I suggested an egg, which had a more satisfactory explosion.

And then I blurted out the idea of playing egg baseball. We went through several eggs and I documented it. It wasn't as messy as it could have been so we decided to plan a day to do it with much more eggs and frying pans and stuff. Here is the yolk of my work:




And then it was starting to get dark, so regardless of who wasn't there, we decided to take a plate of birthday cake out to the ducks and see if they'd eat it.

The road to the park was a lot longer than I thought it would be, but it was a really cool park. It was surrounded by a stream and bridges and I found a hole in the roots of a riverbank tree that looked liked a troll lived in it. There were scattered playgrounds and pavillions and we played freeze tag in the dark. I never got tagged AND managed to unfreeze Cairo when Scott was right next to him [Scott being "it," this was very cool on my part]. Most physical activity I've had for a while-I outran Scott's Sonic Speed and made it to the safe rock. Oh, the ducks ignored the bits of cake completely. And out of the blue, Cass called [the fact that his phone was busted making it more out of the blue] and I must get working on the interactive, colorful letter-coloring book thing he demanded, ha.

I woke up today with an uneasy stomach. Reminder that I have to be sodding housebound.

But I went to the library and found some Nightwish and Satyricon cds and then drove to the craft store and saw in the dollar aisle a bunch of stationary and picture frames decorated in a Victorian Damask wallpaper style. I stocked up on things. Picture frames will give me something to keep me occupied-repainting them and stuff.

Now I am here, listening to Repo! The Genetic Opera. I really need a copy of this movie. I've seen a couple snippets, read the plotline, and am becoming familiar with the amazing soundtrack. Not to mention Graverobber is really hot AND he worked on the soundtrack with Melora Creagar from Raspu-freaking-tina on the cello [I adore her], which made him more perfect. Here's a picture of him:

Yeah-he looks like a goth elf. Take that, Orlando Bloom!

Plus the movie stars Anthony Stewart Head, who I've known as Rupert Giles since second grade on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. He's got a set of lungs!

And that's all for now because my stomach doth protest too much.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

In my hour of need...?

So appropriately enough, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist tonight and he wasn't there. Ha. When the people who are doing the most damage ditch me I get sad but when the people who are trying to help disappear, "ehh...!" It was weird because the whole office was closed. But the lady who's always at the check-in seems to have her head in different places. So I got a veggie burger and chapstick and strawberry milk. Much better than having one's noggin combed for brain lice.

And this is the best psychiatrist I've been to so far-see how little I care! :)

Infected.

"I'm...infected
I'm infected
by your genetics
Shilo, I'm the doctor
Shilo, I'm your father
Oh, Shilo, that was close!
Take your medicine
I'm infected by your genetics
Shilo, you're my patient
Shilo, be more patient
You have limitations, don't go chasing flies
I must be protective
You cannot be reckless
That's what is expected when you are infected
I'm infected by your genetics
I'm infected by your genetics
And I don't think that I can be fixed
No, I don't think that I can be fixed
Tell me why, oh why are my genetics such a bitch?
It's this blood condition
Damn this blood condition!
Mother, can you hear me?
Thanks for the disease!
Now I am sequestered
Part of the collection
That's what is expected when you are infected
That's what is expected when you are infected
That's what is expected when you are infected
How much of it's genetics?
How much of it is fate?
How much of it depends on the choices that we make?
He says I have her eyes, did I also inherit his shame?
Is heredity the corporate, 'cause stop it or am I a slave?
I'm infected by your genetics
I'm infected by your genetics
What hope has a girl who is sick?
My dream of a life past this fence
It really makes no difference
'Cause I know that I'll never be fixed
Tell me why, oh why are my genetics such a bitch?
Oh, I want to go outside
Outside
Oh, I want to go outside
Outside."

-Infected/Shilo Wakes from Repo! The Genetic Opera. Listen to it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nc_vPF6JozQ

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

"The blood is the life," -Dracula.

Can you tell I was having a breakdown on that last post? Ha. Manic depression does that to ya! Or life in general, rather. I alluded to that to Josh via instant messaging and he said "I know how you feel" but he really can't [I could make a very long list as to why].

That night I cut myself as usual when these things happen. "How dreadful!" you think. No, not really. Your body releases endorphins when in pain and it's much more effective than any anti-depressant because it tackles so many frustrations at once. Science proves it, and psychiatrists say that unfortunently, it works, and that if it keeps you from killing yourself, do it to a controlled degree. I was not attempting suicide. And I'm proud to say I do a good job of cutting and I'm not afraid to talk about it.

1. Cut horizontally. Cutting vertically does more damage.
2. Your instrument must be clean and only use it once, then dispose of it.
3. Clean the wound vigorously to prevent infection.
4. Dress the wound appropriately-make sure it has room to breathe so it doesn't stick to a dry dressing because you'll tear it open again.
5. Keep it clean and when you can, let it "air out."

My cut was at the most, borderline three stitches. And I felt much better afterwards. Two days later it is beginning to close even though I flex and contract the muscles it's on. And no more bandaging!

I feel much better, for the moment. I usually purge every few months when things build up to a point where I can't handle it. Addict behavior? I don't think so since it's few and far between. Last resort? Yes. It does hurt sometimes and other times I don't feel it at all. And it's definently not constricted to the "angsty mentally unstable teen" group. You'd be surprised.

Out for now.

Monday, March 16, 2009

A slow decay.

Analysis of previously blogged dream symbolism:

Obviously I don't want to be eaten alive [who does?], like to fight the supernatural, and have a lot of issues. Dig deeper. I don't feel like I'm being heard. Why? Because I sleep fifteen hours or more. I don't change out of pajamas. I don't eat much because I sleep more. Since I'm not terminal or in a wheelchair, people don't take it seriously. Many don't believe that half my "conditions" exist.

I was one of the few in my class to go to college instead of working part-time and hanging out with friends the rest of the time. I had no money, no friends, was alienated and swamped with things I hadn't been taught. The dorm conditions were terrible and shredded my husk of a body. I would cry nightly. Cut weekly. My teachers were terrible, with one exception. But I assumed it was supposed to be like that and I was doing the right thing. But all those friends back home are happy and prosperous with their part-time jobs, getting cars, getting married [?!], and so busy doing that that they forgot about me.

And here's the good part-I come home because I would have killed myself if I was up there any longer AND everyone flips and goes to school. They are now too busy working and going to school and somehow managing to still party all night. It was like walking into a room and everything's bizarro world, from black to white at the flip of a coin.

So here I lay, in "recovery," for reasons no one thinks legit enough for their precious time to be spent on. People claim their bodies are temples. Mine is a prison.

I don't read much anymore. I lay around and stare. There's nothing for me to do. There is no where to go and no way to get there. Recent events have shown I'm too drugged up and mentally unstable for a license. Not that I have a car like the people who didn't go to school. I can't go outside-I'm allergic to everything out there. I can't work because I have no car, no health, and the economy doesn't bloody help. Why would I ever want to go back to school-to the pressure and money and harassment? Why would I ever want to stay in here in the house sleeping? The hell of everything and the hell of nothing as the world is falling down.

I've been forgotten. Check my empty phone. The lack of responses on the computer. I do reach out. No one fucking answers. I'm screaming in a deaf world.

End transmission.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Got issues? Dream on.

My internet homepage [yahoo.com] had an article about vivid dreams, which I have all the time. So these are the excerpts that relate to me:

You Should See Your Doctor If …You notice symptoms of bipolar disorder or diabetes, since both of these conditions may cause vivid dreaming. Both interrupt REM sleep and therefore affect the body’s ability to separate dreams from waking perceptions. The same effect can occur from taking depression medication, sleep medication, and some over-the-counter drugs. If you notice a recent development of abnormal dreaming associated with a change in your health, it is a good idea to see your doctor to rule out any of these possibilities.

I'm bipolar and taking anti-depressants, sedatives, and over the counter drugs. Ha.

The problem with vivid dreams is separating them from waking reality. However, the practice of lucid dreaming, in which you become increasingly aware of your dreams until you actually develop the ability to control them, may offer a solution that doesn’t stem from any of the root causes listed above. Oneironauts, or lucid dreamers, train themselves to alter their dream experiences to include flight, exotic travel, delicious tastes, and any other vivid experiences they desire.

"Reality sometimes stranger than fiction
Whatever happens in my dreams
I know it can be worse than this
So I prefer to sleep."

-Epica.

Sometimes I'm aware I'm dreaming and use it to do whatever I want. Then I forget or I wake up disappointed to be in reality. It's fun sometimes.

And then there was a link to dream dictionaries and stuff. So here are a few things that reappear in my dreams: with my response in italics:

Maggots: To see maggots in your dream, represents your anxieties about death. It may also be indicative of some issue or problem that you have been rejecting and it is now "eating away" at you . You need to confront it for it is destroying your sense of harmony and balance. Usually there's something rotting my dream or I'm vomiting maggots [and any other grubs that look like them...not earthworms though, I like earthworms].

Crocodiles: To see a crocodile in your dream, symbolizes freedom, hidden strength and power. It forewarns of hidden danger. Someone near you is giving you bad advice and is trying to sway you into poor decisions. Because crocodiles can live in water and on land, they also represent your conscious and unconscious and the emotional and the rational. Perhaps something is coming to the surface and you are on the verge of some new awareness. Alternatively, the crocodile may be an aspect of yourself and your aggressive and "snappy" attitude. Or it may reveal that are being insincere, displaying false emotions and shedding "crocodile tears".To dream that you are chased or bitten by a crocodile, denotes disappointments in love and in business. I dream that I'm in murky water and I know the crocs are there and wait to be eaten alive. They always take bits out of my inner thighs first because I'm afraid of the arteries there being slashed-like in Hannibal. I love Steve Irwin and the work he's done on educating the public on these beautiful creatures, though. Strange.

Sharks: To see a shark in your dream, indicates feelings of anger, hostility, and fierceness. You may be an emotional threat to yourself or to others. You may be going through a difficult, painful, or unpleasant emotional period. Alternatively, it represents a person whom you see as greedy and unscrupulous. This person goes after what what he or she wants with no regards to the well-being and sensitivity of others. The shark may also be an aspect of your own personality which exhibit these qualities. Again, just being eaten alive. I watch too much Animal Planet. Fascinating creatures, though.

Arms: To dream that your arm has been injured, signifies your inability to care for yourself or your helplessness in reaching out to others. You may have been feeling limited and restricted in terms of your freedom or activities. The right arm signifies your outgoing nature and is associated with masculine energy, while your left arm signifies your supportive or nurturing nature and is associated with feminine qualities. Losing either arm may suggest that you are failing to recognize its respective characteristics. I dream about my arteries being cut or I am injured on the inner arm where it's not as tough.


Legs:To dream that you legs are wounded or crippled, signifies a lack of balance, autonomy, or independence in your life. You may be unable or unwilling to stand up for yourself. Perhaps you are lacking courage and refuse to make a stand. A lot of times my legs can't hold my weight and they can't straighten out. Usually I'm carrying a heavy backpack at school.

Lips: To see lips in your dream, signifies sensuality, sex, love, and romance. They are also seen as a means of communication as in the familiar phrase "read my lips". To dream that your lips are blue, indicates possible problems with your blood circulation and even death. Um, I don't dream about lips, I dream with lips. That sounds wrong, haha. But instead of touching things with my fingertips I use my lips like a baby.

Veins: To see your vein in your dream, signifies that you are shielded from slander. To dream that your veins are bleeding, foretells that you will experience great and inescapable sorrow. To dream that your veins are swollen, signifies your hastiness in placing trust. Veins/arteries being cut in tender places.

Aliens: To see aliens in your dream , signifies that you are having difficulties adapting and adjusting to your new surroundings. You are feeling "alienated" and invaded. On a psychological level, seeing aliens may represent an encounter with an unfamiliar or neglected aspect of your own self. It's the aliens from "Signs" and I'm trying to warn people about them. Of course, no one believes me, I'm crippled, and they're able to become invisible.

Demons: To see demons in your dream, represents ignorance, negativity, distress or your shadow self. It also forewarns of overindulgence and letting lust give way to your better judgment. As a result, your physical and mental health may suffer. To dream that you are possessed by demons, indicates ultimate helplessness. When I dream about demons I dream about evil spirits and I'm trying to warn people because I can feel them nearby and that's just stuff you don't mess with. And I'm scared of possession.

Ghost:To see the ghost of a dead friend/relative in your dream, suggests guilt and regrets concerning the past relationships with that particular person. Not "ghost," more of spirit. People who I've lost are there for a little while and I'm sad because I know they can't stay.

Monster: To dream that you are chased or followed by a monster, represents aspects of yourself that you find repulsive and ugly. You may possess some fears or some repressed emotions. To dream that you kill a monster, signifies that you will successfully deal with your rivals and advance to a higher and better position. My monsters eat me alive and they leak black blood.

Soldier: To see a soldier in your dream, signifies discipline or your staunch attitudes. You may be imposing your opinions and feelings on others. Alternatively, you are preparing yourself to do battle over an issue. You feel the need to defend your beliefs, values and opinions. I'm either a soldier of some sort in a post-apocalyptic situation or fighting mythical bad guys. Those are fun dreams.

Superhero: To dream that you are a superhero, indicates your above-average talents, ideas, and abilities you may not realized you possessed. By superhero, I usually am a vampire slayer, haha. Sometimes I can fly a little bit, but flying takes focus and it's more like levitation.

Vampire: To see a vampire in your dream, symbolizes seduction, sensuality, and death. The vampire represents contrasting images of civilized nobility and aggression/ferocity. Alternatively, to see a vampire suggests that you are feeling physically or emotionally drained. The vampire may also be symbolic for someone who is addicted to drugs or someone in an obsessive relationship.To dream that you are a vampire, signifies that you are sucking in the life energy of others for your own selfish benefit. I've been a vampire and have fought vampires, but I've never been a bad vampire. I guess I'm a vampire with a soul!

Zombie: To dream that you are a zombie, denotes that you are physically and/or emotionally detached from people and situations that are currently surrounding you. You are out of touch. I'm not the zombie. I'm fighting the zombies and tend to lose and be eaten alive which leaves me waking up in pain.

Afraid: To dream that you are afraid, indicates that you are experiencing self-doubt and feelings of incompetence in your waking life. You may be feeling a lack of control. Anger often masquerades as fear, so also consider issues about which you are angry about in your waking life.
Anger: To dream that you are feeling much anger, forewarns that you will be involved in a terrible and tense situation. Your loved ones will let your down and disappoint you. It also forewarns that once solid ties will be broken. Being angry in your dream may have been carried over from your waking life. In your dream, you may have a safe outlet to express such emotions. You may have some suppressed anger and aggression that you have not consciously acknowledged.

Anxiety: To dream that you are experiencing some anxiety in some affair, is a reflection of what you may be feeling during your waking life. You may have repressed thoughts, unexpressed emotions, resentment, and hostility that are triggering your anxiety dream. This dream also denotes that you are disastrous mixing business with pleasure. I try to save people in half my dreams against supernatural foes or events-of course I'm anxious!

Confused: To dream that you are confused, may reflect your true confused state of mind and the nonsensical events of your dream. Isolate the single element in your dream that is confusing to you and analyze the meaning of that particular symbol. Alternatively, dreams of confusion signifies that you are being pulled in opposite directions or do not know which viewpoint is right. I get confused when I'm slightly lucid enough to realize "This is weird" but not enough to say "I'm going to use this dream to go to Europe."


Distress: To dream that you or others are in distress, represents worries and unhappiness in your waking life. Things will turn out better than you expected. You will find that your worries were unfounded. Perhaps the dream is telling you to lighten up. I'm distressed because people don't believe me.

Embarrassment: To dream that you are embarrassed, signifies hidden weaknesses, fears and lack of self-confidence. This dream also suggests of insecurities about your sexuality. I'm only embarrassed when I'm in the halls of my high school, carrying a backpack that's way too heavy, and my legs don't hold me but no one believes I can't carry a backpack.

Frustration: To dream that you feel frustrated, represents your difficulty in coping with a situation in your daily life. It may reflect your concerns that your life is not going in the direction you want. I only get frustrated in my dreams when stupid people don't listen to me and I end up being a martyr.

Melancholy:To dream that you are feeling melancholy, signifies disappointment in an event that was assumed to be a success.
To see others melancholy in your dream, signifies unpleasant interruptions in your affairs that need to be tended to immediately. Most of the melancholia is when I'm lucid and realize that at some point I will wake up.


Nausea: To dream that you have nausea, signifies that you are suffering from a sickening situation or condition in which you are trying to rid yourself of. I don't get nauseous but I just kneel and vomit maggots like when Ron Weasley is vomiting slugs.

Pain: To dream that you are in pain, signifies that you are being too hard on yourself with regards to a situation that was out of your control. It may also be a true reflection of real pain that exists somewhere in your body. I feel pain in my dreams when I'm being eaten alive-it's agonizing pain.

Panic: To dream that you are in a panic, indicates a lack of control and power in your life. You may be feeling helpless in some situation or unable to make a clear decision. In a swarming mountain of ravenous, rottting cannibals, yeah.

Rage: To dream that you are in rage, signifies that your bad temper and negative outbursts may lead to loss of friends. People don't listen to me. So I scream. I do the masculine, death metal growls and roars of Angela Gossow. And I swear, haha.

Smothered: To dream that you feel suffocated, signifies that you are feeling smothered by some situation or relationship. Just being smothered by the mountain of dead bodies.

Yearn: To dream that you yearn for someone, foretells that you will find joy and contentment with your present love. Again, only in lucid dreams, I yearn for happy dreams of some sort.

Meals: To see meals in your dream, signifies that you dwell too much on trivial matters and it will divert your attention from more important engagements and matters. Not much food in my dreams. But it's in a meal.

Noodles: To see noodles in your dream, signifies an abnormal appetite and desire. Is ravioli a noodle? I dreamt about it a week or two ago.

Buildings: To see a building in ruins, forewarns of problems in love and/or business accompanied with great loss. Your own self-image has suffered and taken some blow. I'm above the buildings, levitating as I search for "bad guys."

Cafeteria: To dream that you are in a cafeteria, denotes that there may be a lot of issues "eating" you up inside. Part of school dreams. I never eat, though.

Church: To see the outside of the church in your dream, signifies sacredness and spiritual nourishment. It is representative of your value system and the things you hold sacred. To see the inside of a church in your dream, signifies that you may experience some minor setbacks. However, what seems to be nuisances will turn out to be a blessing in disguise. In my dreams, churches are not where you want to be.

City: To see a city in your dream, signifies a sense of community and your social environment. To dream that you are in a deserted city or that you feel alienated from the activity of the city, then it suggests that you feel rejected by those around you. To see a city in ruins, denotes that you are neglecting your social relationships and allowing them to deteriorate. I have a lot of post-apocalyptic dreams and go and kill the unhuman bad guys, whatever they may be.

Classroom: To dream that you are in a classroom, indicates that you may be learning an important life lesson. Alternatively, it symbolizes personal growth. You are learning something about yourself. To dream that you are looking for a classroom, suggests that you need to expand your knowledge and learning. Just part of the school dreams. I miss high school, so my brain is recreating it.

Museum: To see a museum in your dream, indicates that your non-traditional path to success will make you unique and stand out from the rest. Alternatively, the museum may represent a history of yourself and your past. There are many things you can learn from your past and your family's past. Consider what you have gained from these experiences and apply them to your current circumstances. To dream that you are in a museum, represents an opportunity for you to review and reflect on the things you value in life. Lately I've been having a several-night dream about being in a school with a museum inside; a college perhaps, but everyone from high school is there.

PArk: To dream that you are at a park, represents a temporary escape from reality. It indicates renewal, meditation, and spirituality. It also suggests a readjustment period after a serious personal conflict or an ending of a passionate affair. To dream that you are lost in a park, indicates your struggles with your career, relationship, or other problem. You may feel alienated by society. I'm usually running through the parking lot of the park by my house.

Parking Lot: To dream that you are in parking lot, suggests that you need to slow down and take some time to relax from your daily activities. No, it's just in the way of where I'm going.

School: To dream that you are in school, signifies feelings of inadequacy and childhood insecurities that have never been resolved. It may relate to anxieties about your performance and abilities. If you are still in school and dream about school, then it will naturally serve as a backdrop to your dream world. Alternatively, a dream that takes place in school may be a metaphor for the lessons that you are learning from your waking life. You may be going through a "spiritual learning" experience. To dream that you are looking for a school, suggests that you need to expand your knowledge and learning. To dream that your childhood school is in ruins, suggests that you are dwelling on some unresolved childhood issue. Alternatively, the dream represents the passage of time. You need to look toward the future instead of reliving the past. When you're too weak to leave the house and everything was better in the past, that's all I can do. Everyone from high school is too busy to hang out, having the time of their lives. Since it hasn't happened to them, they are physically uncapable of understanding the suffering of the one left behind.